I've been experimenting a lot with guanciale - cured pig's cheek - since it appeared on limited offer at my local Lidl.
It turns out that this cured porky jowl is the basis for a series of pasta dishes from the Lazio region around Rome, elaborating on the basic
cacio e pepe pasta
(
cheese and pepper - the local Roman cheese
pecorinio romano, spiced with ground black pepper and usually served on spaghetti, bucatini or tonnarelli).
The first of these is
pasta alla Gricia - basically just the inclusion of fried guanciale.
Then we add eggs to get
carbonara, or tomato giving
Amatriciana.
Or we combine these two, throw in some sausage, and get
pasta alla zozzona. A
slutty mess -
for some reason rarely included in compendia of famous Roman pastas.
Despite the confusing order in which I presented them, Pasta all Gricia may be the oldest of this collection, perhaps going back to the 5
th Century, though it's origins are controversial and obscure.
Certainly it's older than the arrival from the Americas of the tomatoes and hot chillies (peperoncini) used in Amatriciani or zozzona.
And pepper was a fairly rare and expensive spice until relatively recently, so not something peasants would have been chucking into their pasta by the handful.
Pasta carbonara was an unknown (or at least, unrecorded) dish before the Second World War, and several origin stories implicate occupying American forces and their prolific supplies of bacon.
This season I will be mostly cooking these for one
😢
Lidl also had scamorza cheese along with their guanciale - must be Italy week or something, so I bought some of that too.
It's less interesting than pig cheek, but you can
melt it over most any cooked vegetables as an antipasto.
Potatoes, courgettes, mushrooms, asparagus, aubergines, even experimental
roast baby ones.
Most Italians seem like their scamorza sliced and pan-fried or griddled so it develops a nice crisp golden crust with a gooey interior,
though you might want to us a
very un-sticky pan or you'll be scraping off a
lot of crispy golden crust!
It's been a busy week for bargain spotting:
My local
health and wholefoods store had some weird-looking alien vegetable for sale that turned out to be kohlrabi.
Not the smooth green-skinned kind though, the cracked red-skinned kind. Didn't even know that
was a kind.
So I figured I'd look up things to do with them other than shredding in coleslaw or salad - it's refreshingly crisp, sweet and vaguely nutty like a cross between a radish and a turnip.
Which is funny because
Brassica oleracea are, in fact, a cross between a wild cabbage and a turnip, the direct translation of its German name:
Cabbage Turnip.
Or possibly they're a cross of a wild cabbage and a beet.
This is distinct from a rutabaga (
Brassica napus), also known as
swede in England,
although wrongly called
turnip or
neep in Scotland, which is definitely a cabbage-turnip hybrid.
These damn promiscuous vegetables!
Anyhoo, it's been
suggested that kohlrabi also tastes great steamed, mashed, or added to soups,
and I can now attest that it
roasts up really well too.
I thought that this would mean they would also make great deep-fried chips, but so far they haven't quite lived up to that.
You might need to do a fair bit of vigorous peeling though - they can have very thick fibrous skin.
Anyway.
I came here to talk about shipping companies.
Absolute dog shit aren't they? The lot of them.
Finding myself requiring additional guanciale, I recently ordered some from Amazon, who ordered it from Italy, who shipped it with
OOPS -
an American shipping company who's service is, you guessed it, dogshit.
OOPS' first optimistic delivery window was 08:20-10:20.
(Odd isn't it how very specific these ficitious delivery windows are?)
As usual with these predictions, they are only useful as a guide for knowing when you absolutely do not need to be in,
since this is the one period during which you can guarantee their Dogshit Delivery Drone™ will
not attempt delivery.
4 hours later, they updated their delivery prediction to
before the end of the day, whenever that is, only to revert to the original window now 14 hours
in the past around midnight.
See. Absolute dogshit.
I stopped checking with them after that.
So an interesting question is,
why are they so fucking useless? Don't they operate in a competitive capitalist environment renowned for driving innovation and efficiency?
Well the answer, my friends, is that the shipping companies don't work for you, and you aren't their customers. They work for the seller, because the seller pays them.
Have you ever tried complaining about your delivery, or lack of?
You'll find there is absolutely no mechanism for you to send them meaningful feedback, and they don't give a shit if you do.
Because they aren't competing for
your business, so quite naturally they couldn't give less of a fuck about your delivery experience.
And the sad thing is - there actually is a simple solution: Payment on Delivery.
You can bet your arse that the instant their payment depends on
your satisfaction they'd start to give a fuck about what you thought about their service.
There'd be a lot less pushing a card through your letterbox and running away if the shitbags didn't get paid for doing it.
You'd be amazed how capable a shipping company could become at delivering a parcel into your hands if their profit depended on it,
and how reluctant they would be to hide your parcel in your bin, or their depot in the next county if they suddenly weren't going to get paid for that.
You know what I want from my Dogshit Delivery Drone™? I want a notification about a day ahead, another about an hour ahead, and a final one about a minute ahead.
That's it.
You know what OOPS gave me? A detailed breakdown of the exact times my guanciale passed through all the their depots in Italy, three days ago.
You know what I don't give a fuck about? A detailed breakdown of the times my guanciale passed through their depots in Italy, three days ago.
You know what I do care about? Roughly when I'm to expect the parcel, and then a
heads up just before it arrives.
Instead my OOPS guanciale arrived without warning several days later.
Fucknuggets.